Anyone close to a narcissist understands what Hoover tactics are.
For those who don’t know what “hoovering” is, it’s simply a bunch of strategies that narcissists use to lure victims back into their trap after distancing themselves.
These tactics ensure that the victim’s recovery process is painful and unbearable. It’s difficult to handle individuals who take pride in creating chaos and causing emotional instability.
This article will explore the top 12 narcissistic Hoover tactics you should know and how you can protect yourself from the manipulation.
Top 12 Hoover Tactics You Should Know
Here are some hoover tactics you should look out for when dealing with a narcissist:
1. Excess Love Bombing
Love bombing involves an overwhelming show of affection, attention, and adoration. But it’s just a means of exploiting their target. You could mistake this exaggerated shower of compliments and declarations of love for genuine feelings. Such positivity brings your defenses down.
Also, one thing you should look out for is the quick pace. A normal relationship will slowly build up love, but a narcissist will suddenly declare intense feelings after a period of estrangement.
2. Manipulation
Narcissists love control, so manipulation is one of their hoover tactics. They want to control and influence your actions or emotions to manipulate you back into their arms. They don’t mind playing the victim to elicit sympathy.
This tactic makes it difficult for their target to assert themselves or hold the narcissist accountable because they deflect attention from their actions. It also shifts the blame for their past actions on others.
3. Strategic Gaslighting
Narcissists enjoy gaslighting because it involves the deliberate distortion or invalidation of their victim’s experiences, opinions, and views, thereby making them doubt their perceptions, memories, or sanity.
They do this by selectively telling you things, twisting the truth, or denying some events. It helps them to regain control by making you question your memory and past judgment.
4. Violence/Threats
The most disturbing narcissistic Hoover tactic is violence and threats. Narcissists love using violence to get what they want if peaceful methods are not pulling through. They even use physical force like destroying personal belongings, intimidation, and even aggressive gestures!
However, emotional blackmail is by far the most effective tactic. They use guilt, fear, and shame to influence you or could go as far as threatening self-harm, suicide, or harming others to get the response they want.
5. Apologizing and Never Changing
Every narcissist apologizes and never changes. It’s a core part of who they are.
They appear to be sincere and take responsibility but eventually revert to the same nasty behaviors. Victims get so frustrated with this behavior because they always hope that the narcissist will mean their apologies this time. But they never do.
6. Triangulation
Triangulation involves introducing a third party between you and the narcissist. This action creates confusion, competition, and insecurities. It doesn’t matter if the third party is familiar or not.
The narcissist will use that person to make you feel inferior, typically by praising their achievements and comparing them to you subtly. Narcissists can also use this tactic to make you crave attention.
7. Destroying Your Reputation
This insidious tactic serves the narcissist’s need to control and dominate while also saving their image.
They go behind your back and tarnish your image through gossip and do everything to isolate you socially, emotionally, and even financially. Then, they present themselves as your only option, making it easier for them to maintain control over you.
They engage in smear campaigns and character assassination, telling others your flaws to reduce your credibility and undermine your trust in people aside from them.
8. Springing Up Unnecessary Crisis
Narcissists are specialists at creating chaos and drama. They can exaggerate or turn crises and minor quarrels into serious problems. They use this as a hoover tactic to manipulate the target’s emotions, draw sympathy, and draw the target back into their arms.
It also feeds into their victimhood nature. They make themselves look helpless when they exaggerate a crisis.
9. Forcing Random Conversations
This hoover tactic may seem like a casual conversation, but the goal is to manipulate you. They catch you off guard by contacting you unpredictably. Such conversations are largely vague or inconclusive, thus leaving you off-balanced, edgy, and always guessing their intentions.
Also, they would revisit past experiences with you to spring up past feelings and invoke guilt or nostalgia.
10. Bearing False Witness
Narcissists often deceive their victims by spreading false information through gossip or slander. This action creates doubt, confusion, and reputational damage. They also damage their target’s credibility by misrepresenting past events and leading people with false narratives. At this point, victims can’t defend themselves.
Narcissists also leverage false information to damage their target’s social standing and relationships, thereby isolating them.
11. Using Religion Against You
If you’re deeply religious, the narcissist can use that to lure you back to them. Narcissists know that religious people strongly abide by a fixed set of rules, so they will twist certain scriptures to justify their behavior. They make the victim feel sinful to instill guilt or reestablish dominance.
They also use false piety to manipulate victims through superficial acts of devotion and charity.
12. Causing Unnecessary Drama
Narcissists love causing drama and conflicts. Once they know how to use conflicts to make people’s emotions volatile, they will capitalize on that to become the center of attention.
If you’re always scared of a narcissist overreacting or causing a scene, know that they’ve been using this tactic on you for a long time.
How to React to Narcissist Hoover Tactics
Here’s how to respond to hoover tactics like a pro:
1. Always Stay Calm
The key to beating narcissists at their game is to remain calm at all times. They want you to overreact so that you can give them the attention they desperately crave. But don’t stoop to their level.
When the narcissist starts acting up, remember that it’s a hoover tactic designed to belittle you and manipulate your emotions. Always deal with the situation with clarity. Reassure yourself of your worth so that the narcissist will have no soil to plant bad verbal seeds in.
2. Set Firm Boundaries
Always set clear boundaries and stick to them. Understand your abilities and decide on your non-negotiables. Communicate to the narcissist what you will or will not tolerate. If they cross those boundaries to see how far you will stretch, act accordingly immediately. Forgiving a narcissist multiple times will only strengthen their negative actions.
3. Study Only Actions
Narcissists are exceptional with words. Once they’ve studied you, they know what makes you happy or want to hear. Their words don’t necessarily match their actions.
Always be skeptical about their words. Ensure they back up their words with actions to avoid manipulation. Observe their consistency over time and see that they’re actually truthful about their change because typical narcissists can pretend until they get what they want.
4. Talk to a Support Group
You need a support group or people to hold your hands during these trying times. Such people should understand your problems and offer valuable insights to help you maneuver them. Plus, a support group can give you advice from diverse perspectives so that you can make well-informed decisions.
5. Maintain Your No-Contact Stance
When dealing with a narcissist, your ‘no’ should be ‘no’. No ifs and buts. Sometimes, the narcissist would love to test your no-contact stance to see if it really holds and to jeopardize your emotional and mental health. You shouldn’t allow unnecessary communication. Also, resist the urge to reply to their messages so they can’t influence you any longer.
6. Prioritize Self-Care
Be grateful for the emotional distance that exists between you and the narcissist. Sometimes, people get so caught up in relationships that they forget to prioritize their needs.
Use this period to focus on yourself and reevaluate abandoned aspects of your life. Go on a solo date. Buy some new clothes. Take up a new hobby. Visit your loved ones. Travel if you can afford it. Do things that make you come alive again.
The narcissist may try to guilt-trip you, but you should learn to say “NO” at all costs.
Narcissistic Hoover tactics are manipulative and emotionally draining. They have one goal- to drag you back into the narcissist’s arms. So, you must protect yourself by being self-aware, setting firm boundaries, and being seriously committed to your well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissistic Hoover Tactics
What is the Difference Between Hoover vs BreadCrumbing?
Hoovering and breadcrumbing are often interchanged but serve different purposes. Hoovering involves intense efforts to get back together with someone and gain control. Breadcrumbing, however, only involves giving your victim the right amount of attention to keep them by your side. Narcissists do this by always being emotionally predictable.
How Does One React to Hoovering?
The first step to recognizing Hoover tactics is to know the signs. You don’t need to experience hoover tactics to know it’s terrible. When you know the signs, always be calm and ready to respond. Don’t engage in their drama or argument.
State your boundaries clearly, strictly enforce them, and always focus on yourself.
What Occurs When You Don’t Respond to Narcissist Hoovering?
Narcissists go crazy when you don’t respond to their hoover tactics. They escalate attempts to capture your attention at all costs. When they fail, they become angry, frustrated, and resentful. Some may even reluctantly withdraw their attempts.
